The Dog Took My Spot at the Table

About two weeks ago, I made a commitment to a few friends that I would post 5 things I was grateful for everyday. This was my wild idea of a way I could be one of those positive people I was bitching about yesterday. Today, I stared at my computer when it was time to come up with my 5. I'm sure there are way more than 5 things I am grateful for but today I didn't feel like listing any of them. I felt like being mad at the world. You see, about 8 months ago, I decided that my Mother wasn't a person I needed in my life right now. She and I tend to have an on again off again relationship. Sometimes she gets what she needs from me...sometimes, I'm the devil incarnate black sheep whom all things Satanic flows through. It just got to be too much for me and I came to a fork in my life's road where I just needed to deplete some toxins. It was a point that she became one of them. It didn't mean that she would always be...It meant for now she was. Right now, she is a toxic person for me and I have enough other shit I need to deal with. I didn't know that when I chose to "Just Say No to Mom," that solidified my black sheep status in my family. The entire family went on a virtual Katie Strike. Which leads me back to today's angry piece...Last week my son had to have his second brain surgery. Out of guilt, I felt compelled to contact my parents and let them know what was going on (God forbid anything happen.) I also Facebooked all of my siblings and gave them the low-down. I got a brief message back from just about everyone...Even if it was just a "Good Deal!" Although, my asshat brother never opened my email. Another story for another day. That being said, several times a day, I post updates and status about my son and surgery. They've never contacted us. They never visited. They never sent flowers or called him. They never commented on a status or even liked one for that matter but hey, people get busy? Yet, an AQUAINTENCE of ours found their dog had cancer (sadness, I know) and that she would need to be put down Monday. Everyday, my sisters sent support and condolences. They still are. I get it. Pets are family. Wait...I thought nephews were too...fuck, I knew I missed something in genealogy class. I've just come to a place where nothing is shocking to me anymore. I love dogs just not as much as my nephews. I didn't know that removing something that wasn't good for me at a time in my life would mean that it would have such an effect on everyone else in my life. I thought making myself better and healthier would be easier. When does shit stop hurting? I've always been such a happy person...why do I have to feel like this to "grow?" I don't want to grow. Fuck growing.