What do I do Kelly Clarkson?

It is amazing what the mix of 3 days of no sleep 4 Benedryl and a couple of pain pills can do for you. Now before you go shooting off about the dangers of it, let's set a few things straight...I have some severe pain and autoimmune disorders requiring prescription medications. Benedryl is to counter act the itching that comes from it also as a relief to the chronic insomnia that I have (see the pattern of no sleep for three days?) However, thanks for the lecture. So, at about three thirty this morning I woke up in a puddle of drool with hair matted to my cheek and old mascara brushing the hallows of my eyes. I know, it's hard not to be turned on right now. I'm fielding marriage proposals all the time. It's ridiculous. I had a chiropractor appointment at 10:45 so I flew out of bed after an hour and twenty minutes of the magical snooze button at 10:20 threw on some clean drawers and yesterday's clothes, wiped off the drool, took some make up remover to my eyes and hit the ground running. I made it to my appointment with a minute to spare. Nothing like being prepared. That almost seven hours of sleep made me feel like Superwoman! I joined a girlfriend for coffee at he local bistro. I actually had coffee which is a rarity. I typically have chai. After I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, the meds made my test buds go crazy. I had my first coffee in fifteen years a few months back while I was at work...they asked me to never do that again. As my our bar manager said, "Holy fuck Kate, Did you take crank this morning?!" Guess coffee has that effect on me now. Never use to. I was the girl who walked into Starbucks at ten p.m. and ordered a five shot latte. Guess when you're not drinking it your body changes. Sitting with my girlfriend talking though it made me think so much about life. We were talking about how much our kids have grown up. They've went to school together since Kingergarten and now Sophmores. Life is different now. Friendships are different now. A couple of years ago, many of the friends I had were friends I had when I was a Sophmore in High School. Yet, things have changed so much in my life in the last couple of years, there are few of them that I still really call friends. The thing about that is I never have been really good at just walking away or completely shutting doors. Closure has never been a word in my book. It doesn't matter how much I need it or how much I let not having closure hurt me, I seem to have this fear of of. What is it about the fear of closure that scares me. I am just the opposite of a commitment phobe. I want to know are here forever. Kinda one of those "You fuck with me, You stuck with me" kind of girls. How do you say goodbye to someone who has been in your life for so long? In the last year and a half, I have needed to say goodbye to my two best friends. One had been my best friend since I was nine years old. He was always the first person I told anything important to, sometimes before my husband. He was my prom date. His fiance' hates me and my husband isn't his biggest fan. After twenty five plus years, we came to a point where the best thing for our relationship was to say goodbye. Probably because we loved each other more than we should have but we loved our spouses in a that only lovers should. It saddens me that someone who has so much of my history and knows more of my life than anyone can no longer be a part of it. My other best friend had been since I was thirteen. She was more of a sister to me than my own sisters were. We were both in tough and delicate places in our lives. She was in a place that she needed to move on from her marriage and as much as I tried to be supportive, I tried to support her husband too as he is my husband's best friend. I needed love and support right then too selfishly. I had just found I had two different kinds of cancer and was about to start treatments. She was needing to be in her youthful place. It hurt me more than just about anything ever had. I needed her. I was alone. Of course my husband was there and I had other friends but I needed her and she wasn't there. Then she got mad that I was supportive to both. I needed to just walk away. Recently, she has came back into my life. I don't know what to do about it as I miss her so much. Every memory I have in the last fifteen years has her in it but I never want to be hurt like that. I've been abandon by a lot of men but to have my best friend/sister leave me when death was at my door was too much. How do I trust her again? Can I? Or do I do like Kelly Clarkson says, just walk away.

The Dog Took My Spot at the Table

About two weeks ago, I made a commitment to a few friends that I would post 5 things I was grateful for everyday. This was my wild idea of a way I could be one of those positive people I was bitching about yesterday. Today, I stared at my computer when it was time to come up with my 5. I'm sure there are way more than 5 things I am grateful for but today I didn't feel like listing any of them. I felt like being mad at the world. You see, about 8 months ago, I decided that my Mother wasn't a person I needed in my life right now. She and I tend to have an on again off again relationship. Sometimes she gets what she needs from me...sometimes, I'm the devil incarnate black sheep whom all things Satanic flows through. It just got to be too much for me and I came to a fork in my life's road where I just needed to deplete some toxins. It was a point that she became one of them. It didn't mean that she would always be...It meant for now she was. Right now, she is a toxic person for me and I have enough other shit I need to deal with. I didn't know that when I chose to "Just Say No to Mom," that solidified my black sheep status in my family. The entire family went on a virtual Katie Strike. Which leads me back to today's angry piece...Last week my son had to have his second brain surgery. Out of guilt, I felt compelled to contact my parents and let them know what was going on (God forbid anything happen.) I also Facebooked all of my siblings and gave them the low-down. I got a brief message back from just about everyone...Even if it was just a "Good Deal!" Although, my asshat brother never opened my email. Another story for another day. That being said, several times a day, I post updates and status about my son and surgery. They've never contacted us. They never visited. They never sent flowers or called him. They never commented on a status or even liked one for that matter but hey, people get busy? Yet, an AQUAINTENCE of ours found their dog had cancer (sadness, I know) and that she would need to be put down Monday. Everyday, my sisters sent support and condolences. They still are. I get it. Pets are family. Wait...I thought nephews were too...fuck, I knew I missed something in genealogy class. I've just come to a place where nothing is shocking to me anymore. I love dogs just not as much as my nephews. I didn't know that removing something that wasn't good for me at a time in my life would mean that it would have such an effect on everyone else in my life. I thought making myself better and healthier would be easier. When does shit stop hurting? I've always been such a happy person...why do I have to feel like this to "grow?" I don't want to grow. Fuck growing.