When Did We Become the Stable Ones?

Do you ever sit back and watch what's happening around you and just shake your head? I don't mean shake your head because you're disappointed in all that is happening around you but because suddenly it seems that you are an adult and you don't know when the fuck that happened. The last few days have been weird. In a couple of my last posts I've talked about some of the difficulties I've had with my friendships in the last year or so. Wow. It has been enough to make my head spin. So last night, we have family therapy because I've decided in all of this we're going to get all healthy and zen and shit. My son, in typical teenage fashion, decides he is just not going to participate. *eye roll* So there I sit talking about how we need to formulate some kind of better communication in our family, my husband is telling the therapist how he tells things like it is and that there's nothing worse then me being disrespected and here sits my son with his beanie pulled over his eyes. Sometimes, being the mother of a teenager is like wrestling an alligator while covered in chicken. He came up with every excuse under the sun as to why he wasn't participating. I think there was truth to one (he had a headache) yet I think the whole thing was he was uncomfortable. Well yeah, airing your shit out is uncomfortable. Do you think I like telling everyone I am half crazy and can't keep my shit together? No but apparently, that's what we do these days to get healthy. Who knows. So fast forward, after therapy I see I have two missed calls and a text from the best friend I talked about who was like my sister. The text says, "Please call me. I need to talk." A million scenarios run through my head. Did one of the kids get hurt? Did she decide she is leaving her husband again? Why is she calling me repeatedly? Has she decided maybe I was right and she wants to apologize and send me on a trip to Mexico to right the wrongs? I don't know...so I call her. First words out of my mouth are, "Are you okay?" Who knew, I am not a complete asshole!?! Guess she isn't. She hates her life right now. She chose me to talk to about it. I didn't know to feel. We're not really there. There is so much hurt and...and...and...I don't know what to call it that I almost felt weird talking to her about it. This is something you talk to your best friend about. Yet, I did my best to offer a listening ear and words of encouragement all the while going, "WHAT THE FUCK!?" in my brain. Update on best friend number two, he text me yesterday to let me know he was getting married to The Creature next month. I feel pretty numb about it. I don't even know what to write. I want to feel happy for him because that's what a friend does but I know that them being together means the total end of our friendship. So, it's hard not to be a little heartbroken. I've watched what they've went through and I am still not convinced it is what is best for them but I just wish him the best and try to keep the last 27 years in happy memories. Yesterday was a day of weird friend moments, a lady we use to hang out with and sometimes party with we had heard got divorced (after like 20 years.) So, my husband gets a Facebook message from her to call her at this number because there is no room at the shelters and just a bunch of weird shit...now we haven't talked in like 8 years or something. He calls her because he's a good guy like that and would never let anybody be put out. Some random dude answers the phone and starts razzing him about calling his number and why he's trying to contact her and such. She finally gets on the phone and was like, "Thank God you called! I can't talk to you here. I'll get back to you with another number..." And he's heard nothing else. He relays this story to me and all I can think is they had this perfect life and we were struggling just to feed our son. How does life change like that and when the fuck did we become the stable ones?

The Dog Took My Spot at the Table

About two weeks ago, I made a commitment to a few friends that I would post 5 things I was grateful for everyday. This was my wild idea of a way I could be one of those positive people I was bitching about yesterday. Today, I stared at my computer when it was time to come up with my 5. I'm sure there are way more than 5 things I am grateful for but today I didn't feel like listing any of them. I felt like being mad at the world. You see, about 8 months ago, I decided that my Mother wasn't a person I needed in my life right now. She and I tend to have an on again off again relationship. Sometimes she gets what she needs from me...sometimes, I'm the devil incarnate black sheep whom all things Satanic flows through. It just got to be too much for me and I came to a fork in my life's road where I just needed to deplete some toxins. It was a point that she became one of them. It didn't mean that she would always be...It meant for now she was. Right now, she is a toxic person for me and I have enough other shit I need to deal with. I didn't know that when I chose to "Just Say No to Mom," that solidified my black sheep status in my family. The entire family went on a virtual Katie Strike. Which leads me back to today's angry piece...Last week my son had to have his second brain surgery. Out of guilt, I felt compelled to contact my parents and let them know what was going on (God forbid anything happen.) I also Facebooked all of my siblings and gave them the low-down. I got a brief message back from just about everyone...Even if it was just a "Good Deal!" Although, my asshat brother never opened my email. Another story for another day. That being said, several times a day, I post updates and status about my son and surgery. They've never contacted us. They never visited. They never sent flowers or called him. They never commented on a status or even liked one for that matter but hey, people get busy? Yet, an AQUAINTENCE of ours found their dog had cancer (sadness, I know) and that she would need to be put down Monday. Everyday, my sisters sent support and condolences. They still are. I get it. Pets are family. Wait...I thought nephews were too...fuck, I knew I missed something in genealogy class. I've just come to a place where nothing is shocking to me anymore. I love dogs just not as much as my nephews. I didn't know that removing something that wasn't good for me at a time in my life would mean that it would have such an effect on everyone else in my life. I thought making myself better and healthier would be easier. When does shit stop hurting? I've always been such a happy person...why do I have to feel like this to "grow?" I don't want to grow. Fuck growing.

And you get a fuck you...and you get a...

Have you ever tried to just start your life over? Life one day you could wake up and say "Fuck it. I'm done with everything that happened before." I feel like I keep trying that every morning but the snooze bar is soooo close that that just seems more reasonable. When I finally pull my ass out of bed I check my Facebook book and see all these inspirational messages from people about living a better life and spreading positivity then *POOF* magically everything is better. Strangely, I offer smiles to the people I see. I say nice things. Hell, I even pay for the Starbucks sometimes for the people behind me in line...yet, my life has still happened. Honestly, the last three years of my life has been shit. So, my question is...how do I just start over? How do I act like those things didn't happen? How do I deal with them and just move on? I started therapy. I am a pretty "positive" person but starting to wonder if that is a bit of a joke. During my appointment last week, my therapist ask me if I ever thought of being a therapist. I was like, "HUH!?" Aren't you supposed to be fixing me and all my brokenness? In order to start "fixing" these last three years (not even touching the 33 before them) I thought I'd start forgiving people. "Hey person! It's cool that you destroyed every bit of trust I had. You were my best friend and I love you." "Hey Sister, It's cool you weren't there for me during my child's major life changing illness...oh wait, mine either. I forgive you. Huh, you're mad I decided not to come out for your birthday? I'm sorry. Please forgive me." The list just rolls on. I don't feel sorry for myself. I am deciding how far I bend and when I just walk away and say, "HEY! HERE'S A BIG FAT FUCK YOU!" Unfortunately, I have learned I am not a really good loner and my heart is more tender then I ever thought it was. It sucks. Why can't I just say Fuck You and leave it at that?