When Did We Become the Stable Ones?

Do you ever sit back and watch what's happening around you and just shake your head? I don't mean shake your head because you're disappointed in all that is happening around you but because suddenly it seems that you are an adult and you don't know when the fuck that happened. The last few days have been weird. In a couple of my last posts I've talked about some of the difficulties I've had with my friendships in the last year or so. Wow. It has been enough to make my head spin. So last night, we have family therapy because I've decided in all of this we're going to get all healthy and zen and shit. My son, in typical teenage fashion, decides he is just not going to participate. *eye roll* So there I sit talking about how we need to formulate some kind of better communication in our family, my husband is telling the therapist how he tells things like it is and that there's nothing worse then me being disrespected and here sits my son with his beanie pulled over his eyes. Sometimes, being the mother of a teenager is like wrestling an alligator while covered in chicken. He came up with every excuse under the sun as to why he wasn't participating. I think there was truth to one (he had a headache) yet I think the whole thing was he was uncomfortable. Well yeah, airing your shit out is uncomfortable. Do you think I like telling everyone I am half crazy and can't keep my shit together? No but apparently, that's what we do these days to get healthy. Who knows. So fast forward, after therapy I see I have two missed calls and a text from the best friend I talked about who was like my sister. The text says, "Please call me. I need to talk." A million scenarios run through my head. Did one of the kids get hurt? Did she decide she is leaving her husband again? Why is she calling me repeatedly? Has she decided maybe I was right and she wants to apologize and send me on a trip to Mexico to right the wrongs? I don't know...so I call her. First words out of my mouth are, "Are you okay?" Who knew, I am not a complete asshole!?! Guess she isn't. She hates her life right now. She chose me to talk to about it. I didn't know to feel. We're not really there. There is so much hurt and...and...and...I don't know what to call it that I almost felt weird talking to her about it. This is something you talk to your best friend about. Yet, I did my best to offer a listening ear and words of encouragement all the while going, "WHAT THE FUCK!?" in my brain. Update on best friend number two, he text me yesterday to let me know he was getting married to The Creature next month. I feel pretty numb about it. I don't even know what to write. I want to feel happy for him because that's what a friend does but I know that them being together means the total end of our friendship. So, it's hard not to be a little heartbroken. I've watched what they've went through and I am still not convinced it is what is best for them but I just wish him the best and try to keep the last 27 years in happy memories. Yesterday was a day of weird friend moments, a lady we use to hang out with and sometimes party with we had heard got divorced (after like 20 years.) So, my husband gets a Facebook message from her to call her at this number because there is no room at the shelters and just a bunch of weird shit...now we haven't talked in like 8 years or something. He calls her because he's a good guy like that and would never let anybody be put out. Some random dude answers the phone and starts razzing him about calling his number and why he's trying to contact her and such. She finally gets on the phone and was like, "Thank God you called! I can't talk to you here. I'll get back to you with another number..." And he's heard nothing else. He relays this story to me and all I can think is they had this perfect life and we were struggling just to feed our son. How does life change like that and when the fuck did we become the stable ones?

Make Sure You Stop! But NO Hammertime!

So we all have these dreams of how awesome our lives are going to be when we grow up. I don't know about you but I was going to be a lawyer-doctor-teacher-ballerina-baseball player-singer married to Donnie Wahlberg or Jon Bon Jovi. Weird how that didn't work out. I was also going to have four kids and houses all over the world so I could just go to which ever one I wanted when the place I was at was boring me...looking back now, it is easy to see how life always did bore me. Well, none of those well paying professions really caught hold partially because I was busy fucking off, partially because my parents didn't want to help pay for me to go to a real college partially because no professional baseball team was looking for a chubby mediocre female baseball player. I did however try my hand in the education business. I loved working with students. I worked in special education for 15ish years. Working in the actual "teacher" role was never my favorite...too many rules and too much paper work. Although I am not one who favors being told what to do, I loved working as a para because I actually worked hands on with my students. In 2013, my son had a terrible traumatic brain injury. I gave up working with my kids because more than anything being a Mom was what I loved. The last three years have been something of a rollercoaster in flames and Picasso piece of art; Hell on wheels but beauty in motion. Last week, my son had his second brain surgery. For about four days I felt good about it...I feel the worry and anxiety creeping back in. It started when he said his eyes feel like they were growing too big for his head, then the ringing came, then a headache...see to most people it means nothing...even to his surgeon. To me, I know this means his shunt is failing. So tonight we went in for an MRI. On the way in I passed out five mg of Ativan like they were M&Ms. Strangely, they didn't kick in right away. His Ativan journey started on the way out with a little giggle. Then came "We should have a family fun night!" This was followed by an explaination of how we could go to Target and have a light saber fight and "FREEZE!" anytime someone came near us. We were suppose to let them come near us then STOP! but not Hammertime. After, we were to go to dinner and show everyone how we are the most "somistomufacated" people who have ever eaten without our suits on. We can do that eating without our elbows on the table and napkins on our lap. As the finale' we were to go see "the best movie ever." During which we were to have a popcorn fight and throw Milk Duds at each other as weapons. At the end we were to stand up and cheer. Now, One must remember, my son is sixteen. He was definitely high as a kite. We did stop at Target and have a light saber fight and freeze...we also wore masks. I don't understand why people were staring at us. His trip turned out not so hot though. On the way home, he started telling us about the future. I can't lie, it kind of freaked me out. He was CONVINCED it was 2024. If I didn't know better by the way he was telling me things, I would have believed him. It was creepy. He started crying so hard about not being able to save Daddy. He tried saving him when the bombers came and this and that...then realized Daddy was driving. Which scared him because it must have been the robots that had taken over. Now one looks just like Daddy. It took a good 3 hours to convince him Daddy was not a robot. However, whatever daydream (or whatever he had) has imprinted on him so I have a husband snoring (loudly) in my bed, a large sixteen year old having pain tremors and night terrors in the middle and I am teetering on the side waiting for the laundry to finish. Not sure why I didn't work harder for that really awesome job I was going to have when I was younger and where the hell all those excess houses are but I am pretty sure at least one of them has a California King I should be in right now because this is bullshit!

And you get a fuck you...and you get a...

Have you ever tried to just start your life over? Life one day you could wake up and say "Fuck it. I'm done with everything that happened before." I feel like I keep trying that every morning but the snooze bar is soooo close that that just seems more reasonable. When I finally pull my ass out of bed I check my Facebook book and see all these inspirational messages from people about living a better life and spreading positivity then *POOF* magically everything is better. Strangely, I offer smiles to the people I see. I say nice things. Hell, I even pay for the Starbucks sometimes for the people behind me in line...yet, my life has still happened. Honestly, the last three years of my life has been shit. So, my question is...how do I just start over? How do I act like those things didn't happen? How do I deal with them and just move on? I started therapy. I am a pretty "positive" person but starting to wonder if that is a bit of a joke. During my appointment last week, my therapist ask me if I ever thought of being a therapist. I was like, "HUH!?" Aren't you supposed to be fixing me and all my brokenness? In order to start "fixing" these last three years (not even touching the 33 before them) I thought I'd start forgiving people. "Hey person! It's cool that you destroyed every bit of trust I had. You were my best friend and I love you." "Hey Sister, It's cool you weren't there for me during my child's major life changing illness...oh wait, mine either. I forgive you. Huh, you're mad I decided not to come out for your birthday? I'm sorry. Please forgive me." The list just rolls on. I don't feel sorry for myself. I am deciding how far I bend and when I just walk away and say, "HEY! HERE'S A BIG FAT FUCK YOU!" Unfortunately, I have learned I am not a really good loner and my heart is more tender then I ever thought it was. It sucks. Why can't I just say Fuck You and leave it at that?