When Did We Become the Stable Ones?

Do you ever sit back and watch what's happening around you and just shake your head? I don't mean shake your head because you're disappointed in all that is happening around you but because suddenly it seems that you are an adult and you don't know when the fuck that happened. The last few days have been weird. In a couple of my last posts I've talked about some of the difficulties I've had with my friendships in the last year or so. Wow. It has been enough to make my head spin. So last night, we have family therapy because I've decided in all of this we're going to get all healthy and zen and shit. My son, in typical teenage fashion, decides he is just not going to participate. *eye roll* So there I sit talking about how we need to formulate some kind of better communication in our family, my husband is telling the therapist how he tells things like it is and that there's nothing worse then me being disrespected and here sits my son with his beanie pulled over his eyes. Sometimes, being the mother of a teenager is like wrestling an alligator while covered in chicken. He came up with every excuse under the sun as to why he wasn't participating. I think there was truth to one (he had a headache) yet I think the whole thing was he was uncomfortable. Well yeah, airing your shit out is uncomfortable. Do you think I like telling everyone I am half crazy and can't keep my shit together? No but apparently, that's what we do these days to get healthy. Who knows. So fast forward, after therapy I see I have two missed calls and a text from the best friend I talked about who was like my sister. The text says, "Please call me. I need to talk." A million scenarios run through my head. Did one of the kids get hurt? Did she decide she is leaving her husband again? Why is she calling me repeatedly? Has she decided maybe I was right and she wants to apologize and send me on a trip to Mexico to right the wrongs? I don't know...so I call her. First words out of my mouth are, "Are you okay?" Who knew, I am not a complete asshole!?! Guess she isn't. She hates her life right now. She chose me to talk to about it. I didn't know to feel. We're not really there. There is so much hurt and...and...and...I don't know what to call it that I almost felt weird talking to her about it. This is something you talk to your best friend about. Yet, I did my best to offer a listening ear and words of encouragement all the while going, "WHAT THE FUCK!?" in my brain. Update on best friend number two, he text me yesterday to let me know he was getting married to The Creature next month. I feel pretty numb about it. I don't even know what to write. I want to feel happy for him because that's what a friend does but I know that them being together means the total end of our friendship. So, it's hard not to be a little heartbroken. I've watched what they've went through and I am still not convinced it is what is best for them but I just wish him the best and try to keep the last 27 years in happy memories. Yesterday was a day of weird friend moments, a lady we use to hang out with and sometimes party with we had heard got divorced (after like 20 years.) So, my husband gets a Facebook message from her to call her at this number because there is no room at the shelters and just a bunch of weird shit...now we haven't talked in like 8 years or something. He calls her because he's a good guy like that and would never let anybody be put out. Some random dude answers the phone and starts razzing him about calling his number and why he's trying to contact her and such. She finally gets on the phone and was like, "Thank God you called! I can't talk to you here. I'll get back to you with another number..." And he's heard nothing else. He relays this story to me and all I can think is they had this perfect life and we were struggling just to feed our son. How does life change like that and when the fuck did we become the stable ones?

What do I do Kelly Clarkson?

It is amazing what the mix of 3 days of no sleep 4 Benedryl and a couple of pain pills can do for you. Now before you go shooting off about the dangers of it, let's set a few things straight...I have some severe pain and autoimmune disorders requiring prescription medications. Benedryl is to counter act the itching that comes from it also as a relief to the chronic insomnia that I have (see the pattern of no sleep for three days?) However, thanks for the lecture. So, at about three thirty this morning I woke up in a puddle of drool with hair matted to my cheek and old mascara brushing the hallows of my eyes. I know, it's hard not to be turned on right now. I'm fielding marriage proposals all the time. It's ridiculous. I had a chiropractor appointment at 10:45 so I flew out of bed after an hour and twenty minutes of the magical snooze button at 10:20 threw on some clean drawers and yesterday's clothes, wiped off the drool, took some make up remover to my eyes and hit the ground running. I made it to my appointment with a minute to spare. Nothing like being prepared. That almost seven hours of sleep made me feel like Superwoman! I joined a girlfriend for coffee at he local bistro. I actually had coffee which is a rarity. I typically have chai. After I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, the meds made my test buds go crazy. I had my first coffee in fifteen years a few months back while I was at work...they asked me to never do that again. As my our bar manager said, "Holy fuck Kate, Did you take crank this morning?!" Guess coffee has that effect on me now. Never use to. I was the girl who walked into Starbucks at ten p.m. and ordered a five shot latte. Guess when you're not drinking it your body changes. Sitting with my girlfriend talking though it made me think so much about life. We were talking about how much our kids have grown up. They've went to school together since Kingergarten and now Sophmores. Life is different now. Friendships are different now. A couple of years ago, many of the friends I had were friends I had when I was a Sophmore in High School. Yet, things have changed so much in my life in the last couple of years, there are few of them that I still really call friends. The thing about that is I never have been really good at just walking away or completely shutting doors. Closure has never been a word in my book. It doesn't matter how much I need it or how much I let not having closure hurt me, I seem to have this fear of of. What is it about the fear of closure that scares me. I am just the opposite of a commitment phobe. I want to know are here forever. Kinda one of those "You fuck with me, You stuck with me" kind of girls. How do you say goodbye to someone who has been in your life for so long? In the last year and a half, I have needed to say goodbye to my two best friends. One had been my best friend since I was nine years old. He was always the first person I told anything important to, sometimes before my husband. He was my prom date. His fiance' hates me and my husband isn't his biggest fan. After twenty five plus years, we came to a point where the best thing for our relationship was to say goodbye. Probably because we loved each other more than we should have but we loved our spouses in a that only lovers should. It saddens me that someone who has so much of my history and knows more of my life than anyone can no longer be a part of it. My other best friend had been since I was thirteen. She was more of a sister to me than my own sisters were. We were both in tough and delicate places in our lives. She was in a place that she needed to move on from her marriage and as much as I tried to be supportive, I tried to support her husband too as he is my husband's best friend. I needed love and support right then too selfishly. I had just found I had two different kinds of cancer and was about to start treatments. She was needing to be in her youthful place. It hurt me more than just about anything ever had. I needed her. I was alone. Of course my husband was there and I had other friends but I needed her and she wasn't there. Then she got mad that I was supportive to both. I needed to just walk away. Recently, she has came back into my life. I don't know what to do about it as I miss her so much. Every memory I have in the last fifteen years has her in it but I never want to be hurt like that. I've been abandon by a lot of men but to have my best friend/sister leave me when death was at my door was too much. How do I trust her again? Can I? Or do I do like Kelly Clarkson says, just walk away.